Reading this story about creating good tag lines from Copyblogger, I got to thinking... not only are a lot of tag lines crappy, but so are leads to many press releases.
Every day, I get between 100 and 250 press releases in a digest email. Most have a snooze-a-riffic lead sentence, often close to 40 words in length. Many of these feature a chest-beating qualification or two and are laden with buzzwords.
Perhaps only once - maybe twice - have I seen a lead sentence that long I was able to get through without nodding off.
For demonstration, I have included a couple of the "zingy" leads (and links to the actual releases) for your napping pleasure.
Here's one from last Wednesday, Oct. 29, from a very Initech-sounding company, Dynamic Solutions International (three buzz words in the company name? Wow).
It reads, "Dynamic Solutions International (DSI), a leading international provider of data storage solutions and comprehensive professional services for business and enterprises, today announced that the company has implemented its 100th mainframe attached virtual tape library (VTL) system at the City of Detroit."
Forty words exactly. I'm ready for a nap now. The rest of the release is here.
Yet another one from Wednesday, courtesy of of Black Duck Software (ahem): "Black Duck Software, the leading global provider of products and services for accelerating software development through the managed use of open source software, today announced it grew significantly in the third quarter of 2008."
My Case of the Mondays just was extended. After the second comma, I'm thinking, "That lead is about 25 words too long."
In both of these examples, at least five words can be edited out. Re-written, they could be much more informative, effective, and easier to read. Imagine that.
Look for more crappy leads here in the future.
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